I feel great
I just peed on a car
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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