wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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