I think I died a long time ago.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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