i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
