Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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