Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
