Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
