we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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