Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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