Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize