remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
