My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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