You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
