You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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