apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
