if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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