Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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