He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's blow job season.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
