News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
