can we get nightvision for the apartment?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize