Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My vagina is officially offended.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
