she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
