i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
3pm strippers are depressing
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize