ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
