I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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