I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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