They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize