Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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