I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Randomize
