My underwear smells like fireworks.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
