I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
