even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
