On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
