so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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