I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
