The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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