I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
