I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
