Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
