I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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