great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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