I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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