that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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