the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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