lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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