White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize