The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
