I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize