no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
