i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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