The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
