i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
please come you make the beer taste better
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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