My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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