so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
